“ I DID SURVIVE BUT WHAT A SAD VICTORY ”
The waves of air float through my hair, the music is blaring in my ears, they said it might rain tonight but I had to come and see this rooftop one last time.
It’s been 5 years since that last time I came here, there was a time when this place was enough to make me feel whole again but now I realize that this isn’t enough for me anymore, still mine, but it was also yours and you’re gone.
My days have been really awful I do not know where I stand, what should I supposedly be doing, or am I even doing something worth my time, I don’t know when it all started to change, I don’t know where it went wrong, but the absolute worst of it all is that I don’t think it could go back. I don’t think I could go back.
I look like someone who has it all together but at this moment, if someone saw me right now he would know that I don’t, the hope, the will to keep trying is gone.
I’ve been thinking about how easy it seems for them to say that I did survive, that so I can keep doing it, The point is, they don’t know how I survived, they don’t know about the things I had to do, because yes, I did survive but the price was higher than I’ve ever thought it would be.
As I’m watching other people as they pass by I have begun to think that fate has cheated me. Other people who, perhaps, are no better than I am are happy and have not had to pay for their happiness as much as me, I have paid for it all, every moment of it, yet I was left with nothing. And I wonder, would I ever get to experience that kind of happiness, would I ever get to celebrate my success, would I even not be alone, If I had someone here beside me, Would I act differently than I am now? Would I be smiling? Would I be laughing? Would I be crying? would I be able to keep going? I know that I should stop asking, Stop wondering and searching, Stop painting hope into my mind to make up the absence of everything I was supposed to own but didn’t, for the man who I would never meet, a life I would never know & a world I could only dream of.